Xiupan's Xanga

Good Company

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 02:04:02 GMT

Hey what's up Mr. Sake? Thanks for coming over! :D
You always know just when to cheer me up!

As Valentine's Day approaches, it inversely relates to my self-esteem. It also directly relates with my growing loneliness. But that of course is why Mr. Sake is here tonight! hahahahahaahahahahahahaha! I'm laughing at myself because I crack myself up! How can anyone be so fuckin stupid! lol hilarious! Yup yup, stupid me! I thought getting flowers for someone you like is the whole point of Valentine's Day. But for me, it doesn't work at all. It has the complete opposite effect. It just scares the woman away for some odd reason. Maybe all the bright colors are just too scary! So yeah... I dunno what to do... I guess I'll just keep my money. Not like I need it anyway. I'm pretty sure you can't use USD$ when you are dead. Oh I know! I can always just buy more sake! Now THAT'S a good use of the money! Money well spent! hahahaha!

What the fuck is the point anymore? According to Buddhism, living is suffering, and we suffer to gain wisdom to achieve Nirvana so we can stop the reincarnation cycle. I really don't understand how I'm supposed to gain wisdom by suffering though. It just sucks. Maybe certain lives and incarnations are just unlucky and you just don't learn shit. Maybe I should just press the reset button. Hurry up and get on living with the next life, maybe actually learn something in that one.

Oh yeah its 2009 already. Like officially. So where the fuck is that magic change?! Huh??? Well shit. Maybe 2009 isn't the year of the magic change. Guess I'll have to start another shitty year. Great. Fucking great. We'll see if I actually finish this year out. What happens, happens.

A Strange Turn of Events

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 21:30:42 GMT

In a recent strange and unexpected turn of events, I am once again filled with a small sense of purpose, duty, acceptance, pride and ultimately a little bit of happiness :)

One of the most important feelings to me personally is a sense of purpose. My purpose in this life is to give and help those, among friends, who need it the most. This is fact. Nothing makes me happier than to just be there for my loved ones in a time of need. My ability to to raise someone's spirits and mood through my actions gives me a great sense of accomplishment and pride.

I remember doing just that with some of my close friends. And now I am lucky enough to be able to do so with a woman I admire so much. I feel incredibly honored when someone opens up to me and tells me about their terrible past or heartaches. And I feel amazingly warm in my heart when I see that genuine smile and twinkle in their eye after I tell them "Don't worry about anything, I'll always be there for ya." :)

Esteem, I can haz it?

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 05:45:02 GMT

No, you cant haz it.
I effectively have one less shoulder to cry on now. I think the stage is almost set now. The final act is looming. Will there be one last twist to suddenly change it into an epic? Perhaps. Right now it seems, well as the 8-ball would say, doubtful. My gut is just telling me that this play is almost over, kinda hoping for it too.

I really thought I was happy these past couple of weeks. Felt my mood changing for the better. But it was all fake. Just smoke and mirrors. Blown away like just so much hot air. So I'm back to square one and now I... don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just living just to... live. What's the purpose in that?

I use "I" too much. So fucking self-centered. I haven't changed at all! See? There it goes again! They really are better off without me... wait. That implies I actually affect lives. How arrogant! Pathetic! I've learned nothing this whole time! This whole year was a waste! You don't deserve her back! You deserve no one! Yes. I shouldn't be with anyone. All I do is cause trouble and corruption.

Ahh but the bottle can't say no. Haha no no, the bottle will always be my friend! Bottoms up!

Well that was fast...

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:30:54 GMT

Mmm... nothing like rejection and betrayal at the start of a new year! Awesome. Ya think I would get used to both at this point, heh. But no, still hurts just as much.

So I'm officially giving 2009 a big FUCK YOU. I'm lowering my expectations to just basic survival for 2009. That way, I can't be disappointed with all the bullshit that is going to happen.

Every time I start to get up and think I'm making a little big of progress, something always happens to just push me down even farther than where I was. Wtf? Seriously? Might as well stop trying to do anything and just continue living out my meager existence at this level. I don't wanna keep getting knocked down further and further. Sooner or later, I'll end up at the bottom if I keep going at it. So fuck it.

Here goes nothing!

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 07:00:43 GMT

Well it's 2009! Doesn't feel much different than 2008 honestly lol...
So I sit here, drunk with an empty 750 ml sake bottle by me (boo... I want more... >_>) to keep me company, watching an Elf marathon on USA lol... I think if it weren't for Elf right now, I'd be feeling a whole differently... but whatever. Whatever happens, happens.

I just really hope 2009 turns out better than last year. I really, really do. I don't know if I could handle another bad year.

Ok, I'm gonna go pass out and hopefully dream of something pleasant. Cuz ya know... I can only dream about her and being happy with me... I wish I could just relive those happy memories over and over again forever.

A typical conversation

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 07:37:18 GMT

"How about today?"
"No... maybe tomorrow is better."
"You are gonna do it eventually anyway, why keep putting it off?"
"You don't know that for sure... And I at least want to see what 2009 brings. It may turn out better after all, you never know."
"I DO know for sure. It's just going to get worse. Things aren't magically going to get better. You are just going to suffer for a longer period of time. Have I ever been wrong?"
"I don't know... I can't... what about everyone else?"
"They could never understand. They just want you to be happy. Isn't it time you did something for yourself for once? For your own happiness?"
"Yeah I want to be happy... I want to be at peace and just not have to worry about all this shit... but I still can't do it. It seems so selfish."
"It's not fucking selfish! Everyone else is so selfish for urging you not to do it just so they don't have to be upset! They tell you not to do it but do they actively try and make you happy? NO. Do this for yourself."
"God damn your logic! I want to hope and believe that everything will get better and that I can be happy again in the future! I just need a sign... some kind of proof that happiness is somewhere down the line waiting for me..."
"You know that's not going to happen! Just give up! You won't care when you are dead anyway!!"
"God damn you. I can never win against your logical arguments so I'm bringing in my friend again to help me."
"Again? You spineless fuck. Of course you can only win by cheating!"
"I don't care. Beer and I win, you lose again. Try harder next time."

Realization of Regret

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 08:43:17 GMT

I know it's quite the cliche line but it's true...
You never really appreciate something until it's gone.

Escapes

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 11:57:28 GMT

Ya know I can totally understand why people become alcoholics now! A bottle of sake will never lecture you, cheat on you, or love you and then leave you! I don't understand why it's categorized as a depressant. It makes me feel damn happy whenever I drink it! Always a lot happier than I was before drinking the alcohol anyway. Definitely a mood booster for me.

Yeah fuck women! My new love is Fuji Apple flavored sake! lol
That along with some WoW, aw man, that's my heaven lol.
I don't need anything else. Those two alone can def help me completely escape reality whenever I need to.

lol ahh drunkenness...
Wish I could be drunk all the time. Then I wouldn't give a shit about anything! :)
Good old sake, always there for me! haha :)

Wandering aimlessly forward.

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 08:27:45 GMT

I try and remember if and how I was happy with my life years ago... and I just can't... I really cannot remember. What does that mean? Was I never happy before? I don't think it would be such a large leap to think so... The only thing I looked forward to in my childhood was going home so I could play video games alone. What about now? Heh nothing has changed... I'm so used to escaping reality all my life. I was happy once... with someone I love... whom I actually still love to this day. Back then I didn't want to escape... because life was great... Whenever I could talk to her even if it was only for a minute... that's what I looked forward to everyday... But that has all come and gone already. All I can do now is remember the great memories we shared together. I don't think I will ever be as happy ever again...

Technology is amazing! :p

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 07:52:20 GMT

I can post to my Xanga blog right from my phone! How crazy is that?! lol :p I don't know how to start a new paragraph or line on this darn thing though... oh well lol. Well... in other news... um life still sucks? Yeah... I look back at my previous entries and it has pretty much been a year of sadness for me... Year of the Rat my ass... :( I can only hope that 2009 will magically turn out better...