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| Good CompanyHey what's up Mr. Sake? Thanks for coming over! :D
You always know just when to cheer me up!
As Valentine's Day approaches, it inversely relates to my self-esteem. It also directly relates with my growing loneliness. But that of course is why Mr. Sake is here tonight! hahahahahaahahahahahahaha! I'm laughing at myself because I crack myself up! How can anyone be so fuckin stupid! lol hilarious! Yup yup, stupid me! I thought getting flowers for someone you like is the whole point of Valentine's Day. But for me, it doesn't work at all. It has the complete opposite effect. It just scares the woman away for some odd reason. Maybe all the bright colors are just too scary! So yeah... I dunno what to do... I guess I'll just keep my money. Not like I need it anyway. I'm pretty sure you can't use USD$ when you are dead. Oh I know! I can always just buy more sake! Now THAT'S a good use of the money! Money well spent! hahahaha!
What the fuck is the point anymore? According to Buddhism, living is suffering, and we suffer to gain wisdom to achieve Nirvana so we can stop the reincarnation cycle. I really don't understand how I'm supposed to gain wisdom by suffering though. It just sucks. Maybe certain lives and incarnations are just unlucky and you just don't learn shit. Maybe I should just press the reset button. Hurry up and get on living with the next life, maybe actually learn something in that one.
Oh yeah its 2009 already. Like officially. So where the fuck is that magic change?! Huh??? Well shit. Maybe 2009 isn't the year of the magic change. Guess I'll have to start another shitty year. Great. Fucking great. We'll see if I actually finish this year out. What happens, happens.
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| A Strange Turn of EventsIn a recent strange and unexpected turn of events, I am once again filled with a small sense of purpose, duty, acceptance, pride and ultimately a little bit of happiness :)
One of the most important feelings to me personally is a sense of purpose. My purpose in this life is to give and help those, among friends, who need it the most. This is fact. Nothing makes me happier than to just be there for my loved ones in a time of need. My ability to to raise someone's spirits and mood through my actions gives me a great sense of accomplishment and pride.
I remember doing just that with some of my close friends. And now I am lucky enough to be able to do so with a woman I admire so much. I feel incredibly honored when someone opens up to me and tells me about their terrible past or heartaches. And I feel amazingly warm in my heart when I see that genuine smile and twinkle in their eye after I tell them "Don't worry about anything, I'll always be there for ya." :)
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| Esteem, I can haz it?No, you cant haz it.
I effectively have one less shoulder to cry on now. I think the stage is almost set now. The final act is looming. Will there be one last twist to suddenly change it into an epic? Perhaps. Right now it seems, well as the 8-ball would say, doubtful. My gut is just telling me that this play is almost over, kinda hoping for it too.
I really thought I was happy these past couple of weeks. Felt my mood changing for the better. But it was all fake. Just smoke and mirrors. Blown away like just so much hot air. So I'm back to square one and now I... don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just living just to... live. What's the purpose in that?
I use "I" too much. So fucking self-centered. I haven't changed at all! See? There it goes again! They really are better off without me... wait. That implies I actually affect lives. How arrogant! Pathetic! I've learned nothing this whole time! This whole year was a waste! You don't deserve her back! You deserve no one! Yes. I shouldn't be with anyone. All I do is cause trouble and corruption.
Ahh but the bottle can't say no. Haha no no, the bottle will always be my friend! Bottoms up!
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| Well that was fast...Mmm... nothing like rejection and betrayal at the start of a new year! Awesome. Ya think I would get used to both at this point, heh. But no, still hurts just as much.
So I'm officially giving 2009 a big FUCK YOU. I'm lowering my expectations to just basic survival for 2009. That way, I can't be disappointed with all the bullshit that is going to happen.
Every time I start to get up and think I'm making a little big of progress, something always happens to just push me down even farther than where I was. Wtf? Seriously? Might as well stop trying to do anything and just continue living out my meager existence at this level. I don't wanna keep getting knocked down further and further. Sooner or later, I'll end up at the bottom if I keep going at it. So fuck it.
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| Here goes nothing!Well it's 2009! Doesn't feel much different than 2008 honestly lol...
So I sit here, drunk with an empty 750 ml sake bottle by me (boo... I want more... >_>) to keep me company, watching an Elf marathon on USA lol... I think if it weren't for Elf right now, I'd be feeling a whole differently... but whatever. Whatever happens, happens.
I just really hope 2009 turns out better than last year. I really, really do. I don't know if I could handle another bad year.
Ok, I'm gonna go pass out and hopefully dream of something pleasant. Cuz ya know... I can only dream about her and being happy with me... I wish I could just relive those happy memories over and over again forever.
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